Tits—On A Boar

She got a light-skinned friend,
Look like Kevin Bacon;
Got a dark-skinned friend,
Look like Kevin Bacon.

On the job.
On the blob.
Do her in the shitter,
Instead.

Have you ever seen,
A maggot?
A faggot,
In gravy.
Mr Brain.

Push her,
Down the stairs,
If she won’t,
Do as she’s told.
That’ll learn her!

The rings of Uranus,
Glimmer and gleam,
They do not.
They’re too dark,
You see.
Low albedo,
And all that shite.

Only one nipple,
And two gigantic bollocks.
Man milk.

I played Ready for the World,
She was ready for some action,
My dawg said you ain’t no freak,
So you ’bout to prove my man wrong

I’ll Have a Pint of Mild—Make It a Double

Ip, dip, dogshit,
Cunt!

Cunt!

Cocaine up the bum.
Hidden from your mum.

Faggotry of the highest,
Odour.
Dominatrix,
Of the ballbag.

Cocaine up the shitter.
Morgan Stanley Dean Witter.

Terrible twos!
Terrible twos!

Cunt!

You have to,
Shit my pants.

Little Tommy Tucker,
Was a naughty little fella.
Thomas Brian Wilford Two-Shits.
He’s better than you.
Cope harder!

Hardon.

Cocaine up the arse.
The larder is fucking sparse.

Fat women,
If you hate being,
Body shamed,
Stop being fat.
And grotesque.
Fatty!

Diabeetus!

Cunt!

Cracker, Please—Welsh Lives Matter

I shall attempt,
Not to swear,
For the duration,
Of this poem.

No promises.

John Cena.
Your time is up,
My time,
Is 17:15 GMT.
You silly sausage.
Daft apeth.
Blinking wazzock!

I did a wee-wee,
Out of my willy,
And a pooh,
Out of my bum.
Then I had intercourse,
Numerous times,
With your mum.
She has big breasts,
A fishy tuppence,
And loves ejaculate,
Inside of her.

Promiscuous harlot!

Jack, be nimble;
Jack, be quick;
Jack, get on your knees,
And suck on this…

Dick Turpin.
Donald Fart.
Sorry, Trump.

Briefly,
I felt sorry,
For Jeckle O’Shibbledook,
Until I saw,
What was in his,
Underpants.
Ambrosia custard.
Would you believe it?

The Erection Section.
Sponsored by,
Toys R Us.
A Lego building competition,
Is all.

Flipping Nora!

On the Pull in Haverfordwest—The Sordid Capers of Tom O’Hawke & Patty O’Dawes

GET YER RAT OOT!!!

I watched,
With wide-eyed fascination,
As my beautiful wife,
Got fisted,
In the arse,
By a 6’6″,
Nigerian.

So fucking hot!

Sally,
In the corner,
Of the pub,
Getting finger blasted,
While her fella,
Shoots his load,
Up the babysitter,
Back at home.

DYYYYYYYYSFUNCTIONAL!!!

At the dawn,
Of a new day,
Fungal nail infection,
And chips,
With a side,
Of asbestos.
Nommies!

Bum his bum.
Arse his arse.
Faggot!
Adam’s apple.
Steve’s strawberry.
Barry’s banana.
Colin’s clementine.
Fist my pisshole.

Dickhead!

Fucking cunt!

Stupid pillock!

A little bit angry.

I Met An Angel—In Bitche

Grand Est,
France,
Isn’t a place,
One frequents,
Frequently,
But I occasionally,
Pay a visit,
Because Bitche,
Is just a sensational,
Name for a town!

I know it.

We know it.

Woo woo woo,
You know it!

Anyway, fuck it!
Show us yer cunt.
Bend over,
Touch your toes,
With your kecks,
Pulled to the side.
Slag!

Shove it where,
The angels fart,
And the demons,
Also fart.

Satan, is that you?

Oh, sorry, Wilf.
I thought you were,
Someone else.

Minge lip.
The baddest man,
In Pott Shrigley.

You know it!

Bill Posters—Will Be Prosecuted

Peans.
Cheesy Peas.
Squeezy Cheesy Peas.
Gourmet Cheesy Peas.
Available in original,
And now NEW…
Strawberry flavour!

Anywhim,
William Xerxes Posters,
Wanted for heinous crimes,
Against bull finches.
Bull finches,
I tell thee!

P-A-R-T…
Why?!?!
Frankly,
It’s none of,
Your fucking,
Binniss!

Chocolate starfish.

Terry Dactol,
Wished death,
Upon his daughter,
Because she,
Is a right slag!

A coded message,
From times of yore,
Read simply,
“I shat Richard’s pants,
“And I loved it.
“And he loved it.
“I love shitting,
“Other people’s pants.”

Now fuck us!

Fututus et Mori—In Igni

If a tree,
Falls in the woods,
And nobody is,
Around to hear,
It…
Can I borrow,
Your sock?

Cry, cry, cry, oh cry.
Die, die, die, oh die.
Fart in a bottle.

Jasper Carrott,
Ate John Parrott,
And got severe indigestion,
Then exploded.

Menstruate,
Like you never menstruated,
Before.
Two in the stink,
One in the eyeball.

In the German nick,
Where they hang you,
By the dick,
And the rats,
Play snooker with your,
Balls.

Fart in a bottle.
Dotcom.

Only Mongs—Call Football Soccer

As a card carrying,
Leek eating,
Sheep shagging,
Welshman,
My hatred for,
The Scottish,
The Irish,
And especially,
The fucking English (🤮),
Knows no bounds.

But fuck me!
At least they,
Call football,
By it’s proper name,
Unlike those,
Fucking Yank,
Mouth breathers!

American football,
Which is shit,
And a pussy version,
Of rugby league,
By the by,
Is the other football,
And must always,
ALWAYS,
Be preceded,
By the word,
American.

Nothing against Americans,
In general like,
Just stop,
Fucking,
Calling,
Football,
Soccer!

Heavens to Betsy!

Cunt Stubble—Dredging My Bathwater

Insufficient funds;
Insufficient funds;
After partying hard,
With all the nuns,
You’ve got insufficient funds.

Tophat,
Top Cat,
Top Scat.

Holsten Pils,
For Da Bwoyz!

The Rape of Aphrodite;
She loved it,
On the sly,
And Zeus knew it.
And Hades.
And Poseidon.
And Dionysus.
Even Morpheus had a go.
No, not that Morpheus.

Agent Smith’s foreskin.

Twenty-fourskin.

Madeline McCann;
Hide and Seek,
Champion of the World.
Nope!
Amelia Earhart is,
Ackshully!

I can’t apologise,
To all I’ve offended,
For I’m not sorry.
*Shrugs*

Word of the Day—AABBABA

After night fell,
Langoustines,
Luscious and… erm, nice.

Flip the switch;
Love thyself.
I reckon not!
Get rekt,
Harrison Bungmuggle!
Twat!

After day broke,
Lychees,
Limpid and… uuuuh, stuff.

Titicaca,
Hounds my,
Every waking nightmare.

Terrible things,
I fantasised,
Much to,
Ethel’s dismay.

ASPERGER’S!
Not on my watch,
Degenerate!

A-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!

Love me, love me;
I don’t fucking think so,
Timmy Thimplewhacker!
Tonight,
Leave me alone to,
Empty my colon.

Bullscheiße!
It’s stuck in my,
Testicles!

Oh, wait…
Fuck, I meant my piss hole.

So, as this chapter closes,
How would you feel,
If I farted on your tits?
Today was special!

Today was so special!