My Pet Mosquito—Junglist Massive

You ever eaten,
A clam?
Tommy Two-Shits has.
One more than you,
As per usual.

I wish,
Farting,
Was legal,
In Shropshire.
It is,
In Monmouthshire.

Anyway…
Moses.
That’s the pet,
Mosquito I mentioned.
He’s an alcoholic,
Womanising,
Gambling,
Crack addict.
But,
Fuck me sideways,
Does he make,
A great cup o’ tea!

Fuck’s sake, Derek!
You’re a fucking dickhead!

Some bastard,
Opened the tub,
Of Celebrations,
And ate,
All the Bountys.
You might not,
Think they’re the best,
But I damned well do!
Bellend had best,
Saved me some,
Malteasers at least!

The wise man,
Built,
His,
House,
Upon me cock!

Shag your granny’s arse!

Oneskin, Twoskin—Threeskin, Four…

Ohhhhhhh…
Well, you cannae,
Push your granny,
Off a bus!

Chop off your leg,
Feed it to Richard,
And thank him,
For shagging your wife,
And your daughter.

There weren’t many,
But, by golly,
Were they strong!

Tommy Two-Shits,
Stared down his foe.
“Timmy Two-Turds,
“The time has come!
“Before we begin,
“Can I borrow,
“Your sock?”

The 1980s,
We’re full of,
Mullets,
And perms,
And triangular tits.
Also, Grace Jones,
Was a Bond Girl 😬

The name’s Saxton…
Edwin Saxton.
Licence to Poem,
And shag loads of birds.
The UK slang,
Version of birds.
Not the feathered kind.
Unless my options,
Dry up,
And/or I get,
Super horny.

Punch that like button,
In the face,
LLLLLLLLIKE A BOSSSSSS!!!

Bros Before Hose—A Late Knight in Chyna

Spelunking!

Don’t you ever,
Never, ever,
Show your arse,
On the town hall,
Steps.

Do you suppose,
That the DEI hire,
Knows that they,
Are a DEI hire?
Does the fact,
They weren’t the best,
Person for the job,
But only a box,
The employer could tick,
Make them feel,
Accomplished?

Crying.
Lying.
Dying.
Spying.
Frying.
Victoria sponge.

Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s better than you.
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.
Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s harder than rock.
Hurdy-gurdy-durdy;
Can I borrow your,
Sock, sock, sock,
Sock, sock, sock,
Sock, sock, sock,
Sock?

Dean Saunders.
Wales.
Footie,
Not soccer.
Lesbian,
Or TERF?
Let the transwoman,
Stick her cock in you.

DEI hire?

I’ll Have a Pint of Mild—Make It a Double

Ip, dip, dogshit,
Cunt!

Cunt!

Cocaine up the bum.
Hidden from your mum.

Faggotry of the highest,
Odour.
Dominatrix,
Of the ballbag.

Cocaine up the shitter.
Morgan Stanley Dean Witter.

Terrible twos!
Terrible twos!

Cunt!

You have to,
Shit my pants.

Little Tommy Tucker,
Was a naughty little fella.
Thomas Brian Wilford Two-Shits.
He’s better than you.
Cope harder!

Hardon.

Cocaine up the arse.
The larder is fucking sparse.

Fat women,
If you hate being,
Body shamed,
Stop being fat.
And grotesque.
Fatty!

Diabeetus!

Cunt!

The Woman Who Sucked—Dick For A Fag

It was worth it,
For that sweet,
Nicotine hit.

Be honest:
How many of you,
Thought I meant,
Homosexual,
When I said fag?

Lol.

A mouthful of jizz.
For one cigarette.
Fucking slag!

Never one,
To be upstaged,
Little Tommy Two-Shits,
Sucked him off,
Twice,
For one fag.
Winning!

The lesson here,
Is,
That,
Men will always,
Beat women.
Even at sucking cock!

Fuck me,
I hope this triggers,
A sensitive little bitch,
Or two.

Lol.

I’m Edwin Saxton—I Do What I Like

It might be hard,
For you to accept,
But I,
Am like,
The motherfuckin’,
Dwayne Johnson,
Of poeming.
I turn up,
Do stuff,
Then do other shit,
For ages.

Deal with it!

Bitch!

Rock the bells!
Rock the bellends!
Rock the balls!
Run DMC,
Ain’t got shit on me!
I rhymed and everything,
Just then.

Cow!

Tommy Two-Shits;
The man,
The myth,
The legend!

Skank!

Can you smeeeeeeeeelllllll,
What the Ed-Sax,
Is cookin’?

Virgin Heart—Stooping to Collect Dingleberries

Panda bear; panda bear;
What on earth dost thou doest there?
Panda bear; panda bear;
Tis not thou black eyes at which I stare.
Panda bear; panda bear;
Pray tell why for not thou care.
Panda bear; panda bear;
Tis queer to thy that thou doth rape a pear!

The pear, the pear,
The pear is on fire!
We don’t need no apples;
Let that motherfucker burn,
Burn, burn, motherfucker burn!

Timmy Chattersworth,
Gave it a ruddy good go.
What he hadn’t factored in,
However,
Was the presence,
Of little Tommy Two-Shits.

We all know,
How it goes.
Join in at home.
And a one,
And a two,
And a three, four, twelve…

Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s better than you.
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.

Wander the arid deserts,
Of your warped little mind.
Sure, I said it,
But you’re reading it.
Who’s the real weirdo?

Nipple Twist–Dump Your Load

Colin!
Bastard!
Get your fingers,
Out of your tooter.

Can I borrow,
Your sock, sock, sock,
Sock, sock, sock, sock,
SOCK!!!

Undoubtedly,
This was Eggbert’s,
Finest hour.
That was until,
Little Tommy Two-Shits,
Rocked up.

As we know,
Little Tommy Two-Shits,
Is better than you.
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.

Drink from your poisoned chalice,
Foolish boy!
Ignore the burn,
As it slips into your stomach.
The pain,
That shall follow,
Will be worth,
The moment of bliss!

From one nonce,
To another:
I like little boys’ bottoms.
Justin Fletcher,
And Blippi.

Arsenic.
Haha—domestic abuse.

Philson Wilips–Rock Hard Todger

Eaten alive,
By killer ants,
My aura floats,
Above my,
Physical form.
“Ain’t dat some shit?”
I muse philosophically.

Bobby Davro.
Dan Quayle.
Spinach fajitas,
With kale jus.

Allo you little,
Greasy papa!

Wiggins.
Flasch the Casch!
Sminky pinky,
Kebabasawi.
Little Tommy Two-Shits.

Just look,
At what you’re saving,
When the prices,
Are so low.
There’s really only,
One place,
You can go!
Oh!

Kinky, kinky, kinky.
Fuck off mate!

Gemstones and Twatwaffles–Paradise Features

Tunstone.
Fall off your chair,
Into the hot lava.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.
Pop, bang, sizzle.
Onomatopoeic words,
Are bloomin’ great!

A-where’s a-Wally?
Waldo.
Christopher Walken.
Fish finger butties.

“Simply epic!”,
The Grecian did declare,
With one foot in his sandal,
And the other in his hair.
Gorgeous Giorgios.

Dole scroungers,
Will burn,
In the eternal fires,
Of damnation.
Schlaaaaaags!

Anyway, I digress;
I’ve a hairy chest.
Slippery nipples.
Infected naval.
Timmy Dean,
And little Tommy Two-Shits.