Tag: Poeming

Snogging Jesus–Behind the Bike Sheds

Denial of access;
The door,
Slams shut.
Brian cries out;
His foreskin,
Trapped by,
The closure.

Beads, beads, beads,
Beads, beads, beads,
Anal beads, beads, beads.

Feeling stabby,
And throat punchy.
Eggy fart,
Wafting through,
The hamster.

Tits McGee,
Chesty LaRue,
Top bollocks,
Breasts.

And lager.
And LSD.

Hahahaha.
Dead puppies.
I shit you not!
Yay!
Minge-lip service…

Veni Vidi Vici–Trousers

Stop!

Did you,
Ever,
In your life,
Once,
Or twice,
Roundhouse,
A stranger’s,
Newborn baby?

You should,
Go to the shop,
And buy me,
Some tinnies,
A Double Decker,
And a gram of charly.

Poppers,
On the radiator.
Gaping arseholes;
Slipping in shit.
Some in your mouth.

Ramp it up.
Finger your gran,
For her heinous crimes.
Silly slag!

Granny’s dropping tits.

Lizard Buggery–What Became of Jethro?

Nudge, nudge;
Wink, wink.
It’s feeding time,
For Godfrey.
A bollock-only diet.

Piss in my arse.
You smell of,
Ethanol,
And sperm.

A bus ride,
To Barnet,
Became the trip,
Of a lifetime,
For Maurice.

Straddle my face;
Place a bollock,
On each of my eyes.
Arabian goggles,
Initiated.

Fish fingers.
Wash your,
Twat!

Underneath,
It all,
I’m a bigger,
Knobhead,
Than I appear.

Hold on,
To yer twat!

I’m A Better Poet Than You–Fucking Fact Mate!

One lump,
Or two,
Of cocaine,
In your brew?

Brain hemorrhage.
Why isn’t dressage,
Pronounced dressij?
You have one new message.

Message one:
Uncle John.
Solomón Rondón.
Forever on,
And on,
And on,
And Ariston.

Drink your clam juice.
Slack and loose.
My neck’s in your noose;
Let’s call a truce.
Say the score is deuce.

Ungrateful brat!
Daft little twat!
Fingered a cat,
Punched a bat,
Put on a hat,
Called your mam fat.

Stop and think.
Take a drink.
I’m into kink,
And wearing mink.
Two in the pink,
One in the stink.

Abortion.
Haha…

Willie Thorne–West German Suplex

I remember,
When I died.
24th September,
1977.
I overdosed,
On Cornflakes.

Tee-hee-hee.
I can see,
Reight up your skirt.
Big, hairy fanny!

Bagheri Phani.

Gelsenkirchen.
I think that’s,
How it’s spelt.
Magnanimous.

Magnus Magnusson.
Brien O’Brien.
Wolfgang Wolf.

Hammond.J.Hammond Enterprises.
J.C.Balls & Son.
We were,
Then we weren’t.

Shut the fuck up!

Twat!–I Lost My Streak

She was,
A Nigerian girl.
He was,
A Welsh prick!
She told him,
To fuck off,
Because he was,
An absolute dick!

Here comes Barry,
On a donkey.
A slight return,
To days of yore.

Lemon sponge.
Pissflaps,
Reign in this,
Dank, dark town.
Sweaty bollocks.

What if,
I said,
Beetlejuice,
Beetlejuice,
Beetlejuice,
Then,
Candyman,
Candyman,
Candyman,
Into a mirror,
Immediately after?

Fat people,
Should be shot.

Wank Sock–All The Best Ones Are Married

A horse!
A horse!
My kingdom for,
A horse!

Smell the cheese.

Arse crack hair,
A stinky slit,
A cheesy knob,
And a pair o’ tits.

Ripping the head off it,
Again!
Where da hot chicks at?
Grimsby!

Sperm in your rectum;
Gay!
Harry the Bastard,
Will give you,
A fiver for it.

Faaaaaaaaart…

Git ‘cho groove on,
Bitches!
Touch my balls.
Now get off them.
You’re ‘angin’!

Grimsby?

One-upmanship–The Ballad of Tommy Two-Shits

Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s better than you!
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.

Spam sandwiches,
A cup of bovril,
And a wank.

It’s Thumpy Ballbag Time!
Jim McDonald,
Flashed his tits,
At passing OAPs.
Oh, how they laughed!

It’s Fisty Bellend Time
Vaginal bleeding.
Anal seepage.
I’m not very good at,
(Sex),
Most things.

Chocolate starfish.
Harpies!
Everywhere you go,
There’s a chip shop.

Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s better than you!
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.