Virgin Heart—Stooping to Collect Dingleberries

Panda bear; panda bear;
What on earth dost thou doest there?
Panda bear; panda bear;
Tis not thou black eyes at which I stare.
Panda bear; panda bear;
Pray tell why for not thou care.
Panda bear; panda bear;
Tis queer to thy that thou doth rape a pear!

The pear, the pear,
The pear is on fire!
We don’t need no apples;
Let that motherfucker burn,
Burn, burn, motherfucker burn!

Timmy Chattersworth,
Gave it a ruddy good go.
What he hadn’t factored in,
However,
Was the presence,
Of little Tommy Two-Shits.

We all know,
How it goes.
Join in at home.
And a one,
And a two,
And a three, four, twelve…

Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s better than you.
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.

Wander the arid deserts,
Of your warped little mind.
Sure, I said it,
But you’re reading it.
Who’s the real weirdo?

Nipple Twist–Dump Your Load

Colin!
Bastard!
Get your fingers,
Out of your tooter.

Can I borrow,
Your sock, sock, sock,
Sock, sock, sock, sock,
SOCK!!!

Undoubtedly,
This was Eggbert’s,
Finest hour.
That was until,
Little Tommy Two-Shits,
Rocked up.

As we know,
Little Tommy Two-Shits,
Is better than you.
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.

Drink from your poisoned chalice,
Foolish boy!
Ignore the burn,
As it slips into your stomach.
The pain,
That shall follow,
Will be worth,
The moment of bliss!

From one nonce,
To another:
I like little boys’ bottoms.
Justin Fletcher,
And Blippi.

Arsenic.
Haha—domestic abuse.

Philson Wilips–Rock Hard Todger

Eaten alive,
By killer ants,
My aura floats,
Above my,
Physical form.
“Ain’t dat some shit?”
I muse philosophically.

Bobby Davro.
Dan Quayle.
Spinach fajitas,
With kale jus.

Allo you little,
Greasy papa!

Wiggins.
Flasch the Casch!
Sminky pinky,
Kebabasawi.
Little Tommy Two-Shits.

Just look,
At what you’re saving,
When the prices,
Are so low.
There’s really only,
One place,
You can go!
Oh!

Kinky, kinky, kinky.
Fuck off mate!

Gemstones and Twatwaffles–Paradise Features

Tunstone.
Fall off your chair,
Into the hot lava.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.
Pop, bang, sizzle.
Onomatopoeic words,
Are bloomin’ great!

A-where’s a-Wally?
Waldo.
Christopher Walken.
Fish finger butties.

“Simply epic!”,
The Grecian did declare,
With one foot in his sandal,
And the other in his hair.
Gorgeous Giorgios.

Dole scroungers,
Will burn,
In the eternal fires,
Of damnation.
Schlaaaaaags!

Anyway, I digress;
I’ve a hairy chest.
Slippery nipples.
Infected naval.
Timmy Dean,
And little Tommy Two-Shits.

Nil Desperandum–Walking Like A Libyan

The larder is bare,
Like your arse.
Put some pants on!
Slag!

Riding shotgun,
In Haverfordwest,
Bûm gall unwaith;
Hynny oedd,
Llefain pan ym ganed.

Show this,
To your mother,
Then punch her,
In the throat!

Maybe,
Just maybe,
Josef Fritzl was,
Just misunderstood.
Maybe…

Lest we forget,
Little Tommy Two-Shits.
He is,
After all,
Better than you!

I hit a bum note.
Ha–fudge packer!
My knob,
Is smaller than yours,
But much sexier.

One-upmanship–The Ballad of Tommy Two-Shits

Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s better than you!
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.

Spam sandwiches,
A cup of bovril,
And a wank.

It’s Thumpy Ballbag Time!
Jim McDonald,
Flashed his tits,
At passing OAPs.
Oh, how they laughed!

It’s Fisty Bellend Time
Vaginal bleeding.
Anal seepage.
I’m not very good at,
(Sex),
Most things.

Chocolate starfish.
Harpies!
Everywhere you go,
There’s a chip shop.

Little Tommy Two-Shits;
He’s better than you!
If you’ve been for one shit,
He’s been for two.